Monday, January 25, 2010

Tips from Ms. Unclutter, The Young, Single, Childless Professional Organizer For Busy Moms

A place for everything and everything it its place

Tip #1: Don’t have kids.

Yet I see you already screwed up by not following my number one tip. For an hourly fee, I can still help you, even though I think you are you pathetic disorganized deranged schmuck. I’ll keep my judgments to myself from now on and we’ll focus on your misuse of closets.

Tip #2: Don’t misuse closets.

What are you, a martyr? With all these hockey sticks and deflated soccer balls and My Lil’ Pony paraphernalia glutting the closets where are you going to hang your freshly laundered wool and silk blend business suits? Hello? Don’t you care how you look? Oh my god, that’s right. I totally forgot. You’re over 35: it doesn’t matter anymore.

Tip #3: Have a beauty routine.

No time at all? You mean you can’t even rub a piece of carpet remnant over your face while driving the kids to preschool -- that is really sad.

Tip #4: Follow through.

Don’t allow your kids to leave their shit everywhere. A place for everything and everything in its place, including the little brushes that come with the My Lil’ Pony sets. Have a separate bin for the broken pieces of the cheap toy trucks that you buy for your son in an attempt to get him to love you.

Tip #5: Eat at the table only.

The ant problem that you have disgusts me. My floors are so spotless and reflective you can see up my cute little mini skirt that I’m wearing Victorian ruffle boy shorts! Too adorable!

Tip #6: Meal plan.

Know by noon what you will be serving for dinner that night and serve at least one and preferably two leafy greens. What do you mean "yeah right?" Why are you so negative?

Is this a bad time to mention I think you could really benefit from Crest White Strips?

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