Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Valentine’s Affirmations for Junior-High Nerds Like Myself

“This is a day the Lord has wrought, let us be joyful in it.”


1) I don’t care that Roxandra got more carnations. Who cares?

2) I’m bigger-boned than she is therefore, if girls were allowed to play ice hockey, I would smack her in the face with my hockey stick.

3) I will paint a perfect still life of tulips today. It will be better than anyone elses and will make me intrinsically proud of myself. I don’t need extrinsic motivation like carnations, like a big sheaf of carnations, from boys.

4) My choice of perfume, Spring Blossom by Chloe, leaves a lasting impression.

5) This is the perfect shade of frosted pink lipstick for me.

6) So why have I gotten not a single singing telegram? Sike! Like it matters. Who cares?


7) What matters is that I like myself and practice violin four hours a day and oh, goddamnit, it’s so hard to think in homeroom with all these goddamn singing telegrams being delivered to that blow-up doll, Tanya.

8) Hey, Tanya -- could you find Belgium on a map?

9) Hey Guy Prostrate In Front Of Tanya And Singing Acapella -- one day you will be a member of Congress. Life is so unfair.

10) Studies show girls with small breasts are smarter. Sandra Day O’Connor: case in point.

11) Coral is a great name for the main character in the graphic novel I am writing about the day after Valentine’s Day in an urban high school where all the girls who think they’re so in love break up because bigger things happen, like war and famine.


12) Why am I not getting any carnations? Who cares? I’m going to be a big animal veterinarian.

1 comment:

  1. gawd, i remember those days.

    "Who cares? I’m going to be a big animal veterinarian."
    rolling on the floor...

    ReplyDelete