Best Actor in a Leading Role: The Oscar goes to...my husband, for his work.
For “Just Purple, Only Purple (Meltdown At Circle Time If Any Other Color Touches My Skin),” my daughter wins for Best Costume Design.
Best Makeup. Me, for transforming “Tired Old Mommy” into “Tired Old Mommy With Eyeliner.”
Best Film Editing. What a creative partnership I have with my husband! When he said, “$#@! Honey, I think I lost the kids in the corn maze,” I simply edited that part out of “Punkin’ Play Yard.”
Best Animated Short Film. The Oscar goes to my son, for his dancing, buttering up, Indian film star tearing-up eyes, “jazz hands,” on the ground flailing, and other histrionic efforts in “Candy Is Dandy.”
Best Documentary Short Subject: My husband and I collaborate again, creating “More Than 40 Days In The Dessert” a very personal documentary on middle age weight gain.
Best Picture. Definitely not “Taken At Sears” the film in which we have to buy a new dishwasher.
For knowing when to say “go to your separate trailers,” the Oscar for Best Direction goes to Grandma for “At Grandma’s House,” a smash hit in two demographics: 2-to-5 year-olds and parents-over-40.
Best Actress in a Leading Role. Me. I have been channeling Julia Child for years, longer than Meryl Streep, and, in my recent work, “Stay At Home Mother,” all I do is cook.