Monday, March 8, 2010

The Passive Agressive Recipe

Double sifting is just a suggestion. I’m sorry I asked, actually.

I just wanted your “Light Meyer Lemon Cake” to be the best, but obviously you don’t care.

You say there were no Meyer lemons at the green market? I say that your social anxiety got the better of you. You really have to deal with your problem.

Use the balloon whisk on it. BEAT IT. What you’re doing looks more like coddling.

I’m sorry. You’re overworked as it is, with the kids…

Do what you want with the eggs. Don’t even bother separating them, if it’s too much work.

What is wrong with you? If you don’t separate the eggs, you bring shame to your grandmother’s apron.

I specifically called for parchment paper and you don’t have parchment paper, you moron.

Oh, my goodness, I’m sorry. I was so mean. I got worked up about the parchment paper and it was thoughtless of me. You of all people don’t need the stress of specialty baking items.

There, there. Why don’t you just bag cooking from scratch? Go take a nice hot bath.

Relax.

Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Like there isn’t much difference between fresh homemade cake and the frozen square of Pepperidge Farm, shipped in from North Jersey, with lots of preservatives that might give your kids tumors. What kind of mother are you?

Get yourself together and get in the kitchen. Double goddamn sift.

But when I say scant teaspoon of vanilla, what I mean is: we’re friends, right? No hard feelings. You decide how much vanilla.

3 comments:

  1. Yes! I am not the only one beating myself up and can still find humor. Yep!

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  2. Hahahaha! Thanks for the bright spot in my afternoon!

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  3. Why is it that Ina Garten always says "how easy is that?" She obviously doesn't really think so. I think she is just getting back at all of her viewers who aren't chubby.

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