Monday, April 26, 2010

Captain’s Log from H.M.S No Sugar

March 14: Just made up my mind to give sugar up. Just like that. Considered all the health benefits -- then threw all the canvas bags of sugar over the gunnels. Ship considerably lighter, easier to steer. I imagine this is what the captain of The Golden Hind felt all the time. The crew grumbled. But I told them it’s all good -- I stowed away stevia for our breakfast smoothies. And we’re going to start a morning cardio workout on the forecastle.

March 18: Crew testy, hard tack breakfast smoothies “not enough,” they want rum…and donuts. I should keelhaul all of them for not caring about their blood sugar or resting heart rate.

March 19: No one joined me for Cardio Abs.

March 24: Was that an albatross that flew over us at 0900 hours or the spread white wings of an angel food cake, light as when I was a boy? The doc says no, it was neither a flying cake nor an albatross. He identified it as an “albino frigate bird,” but he’s a know-it all little shit, like Darwin was, probably.

March 24 (like five minutes later): Question: Did they have pudding aboard The Beagle? Never mind. I need to focus my attention on my Pilates 100s.

March 30: Did captainish stuff, like putting the doc in irons and rereading Proust --- just the madeleine parts. I read about sugar cookies from France in the shape of tongues until my candle sputtered out leaving a fragrance not unlike…dare I say it? It is a love that dare not speak its name!?! Boardwalk Salt Water Taffy.

April 2: All of us weak; some of the worse-off men calling out for their mother’s “apple cake,” “linzer torte” or “mango rice,” depending on port of origin. There is wildness in their eyes.

April 3: I miss my mother’s pecan sandies. I have had to clamp my hand over my mouth to prevent myself from shouting, “Mommy, I want another pecan sandie. Please!” and disturbing the faith of my men.

April 5: I fear mutiny, but the men’s HDL/LDL cholesterol ratio is much improved and my resting heart rate is the lowest it’s ever been so….that’s something, I told them. Someone, I think it was Willikers the mizzenman -- my eyesight is hazy -- tried to pick up a cannonball and heave it at my head, but being weak in body and mind, he lurched over the gunnel.

April 7: I netted a kilo of brown algae and formed it into shapes approximating petit fours, hoping to appease the men. But the doc (I now realize he has zero “people skills”) said in a loud voice, “Capt’n, that’s genus sargassum, and not fondant”; and the men panicked.

April 10 (drifting): I tried to get my men to take their pre-diabetes seriously and their chronic inflammatory conditions, but they heaved me into this raft, with my log and pen, a bottled water. Should be sad. But look at my obliques! Dribbled a little water over the raft’s prow, dubbing it Glute.

My plan: I am drifting in that general direction of South Beach (I think) so it will only be a matter of time before I’m going to have a smoothie with a wheatgrass shot, do some power jacks, check my pulse. Then I’m going to refurbish that sinking ship The Quinoa, get a crew of good-looking health and fitness professionals. Do a circumnavigation sugar- and gluten-free with people who care.


  1. Oh, so very clever. The drifting toward South Beach at the end is perfect. And, "captain's log." Wonderful.

    And navigating the seas of pre diabetes and inflammatory conditions. Yeah, I know those seas well.

    Fantastic. This is truly one of the best.

    Maybe b/c it speaks to me so? I have to toss the kilos of sugar overboard,too.

    How long do you give us , captain?

  2. HMS No Sugar sails during the weekdays. On weekends, its the HMS Do What The Hell You Want, In Moderation.

  3. Twenty years ago, I saw a show on PBS about hormones in beef. WHOOSH. We were sudden vegetarians. The children cheated on me with Ronald McDonald, but the meat free zone still encircles my house. But GIVE UP SUGAR? ARE YOU KIDDING????

  4. Was talking with my spa owner friend yesterday during eyebrow waxing about evils of sugars. Supposely in your body, all the bad stuff like toxins, cancer cells (that's pretty bad) thrive on sugar. Even fructose -- bananas, mangos, dried fruit. I'm trying to give up refined sugars. It's tough.

  5. You can't be a literary genius AND be sugar free.

    parum parum parum parum

    without intimidating me