Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My Mother As A Garmin Nuvi GPS

Where to?
Please drive the highlighted route toward a career in medicine or law.
Detour. Poetry?
Set as via point or a final destination?
Lost satellite reception.

Restore settings?
Your brightness is set at 100%. You could become a TV personality cardiologist and a Nobel-prize winning poet like my book club friend’s daughter’s friend’s cousin who went to Harvard -- hey, you know what?!? You should call her. Don’t email. Call.

Fine. Don’t.
Recalculating.

Return “Home” avoiding highways, for shame that you’re still single.
In 500 ft, turn right, onto I’m Just Saying Rd.
Enter roundabout.
Exit roundabout onto 180th St. NW, also known as But Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Your Mother
Heavy traffic.
Choose alternate route?

A faster time and shorter distance to Nice Young Men is available.
Recent selections: One of my friends in book club has a son.
Favorites: He seems nice.
View Map.
Recalculating.

Navigation tools update: You’re avoiding having children.
Do you want to keep avoiding having children?
How about “avoid traffic?”

Search for…
Spell name.
GRANDCHILDREN.
Search in “Nearby Cities” and “Near Where I Am Now.”

We just passed Nice Young Man!
When possible, make a U-turn.
Make a U-turn.

Let me roll down my window and lean way, way out and flail at him, hooting, Hey! My daughter’s right here in the car, and she’s a poet with a chapbook! But single! Almost 40 but still pretty!
Searching for intersection.
87%
90%
99%
The Rest of Your Life.

5 comments:

  1. Love this one. My mom would be proud. xo

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  2. It's sweet, because that's just what it's like.

    Nicely done. Thank you.

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  3. My own mother isn't like this at all. But I just love the way my GPS says, in this really condescending voice, re*cal*culating. It just sounds like it's judging me, laying on the guilt.

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  4. Ours is set to a British voice, so I have more a nanny feel. Having her guide us through back roads in South Dakota was a touch surreal..

    Great idea, and wonderfully executed.

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  5. This is perfect! (found your blog via Twitter)

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