Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cocktails for Mother’s Day

Old Fashioned Guilt: Into a glass pitcher, stir in vermouth and all the cards you meant to send, but didn't.

Modern Guilt: To an Old Fashioned Guilt, add a bottle of specialty vodka that you ordered off the Internet. Garnish with an endless loop of plaintive unreturned messages: I need another lesson on the computer. Call me back. I want to learn to work the computer. Call me back. How do you turn the printer on, again? Call me back.

Night Terror: Make a slurry of cold sweat, and the Periodic Table and add her voice from way back in high school saying, This B you got in chemistry looks like a D that someone has drawn a line through with felt-tip marker, mmm?

A Good Memory: Put on your kitty cat costume from when you were 5 years old and drink under table from a bowl of creamy whole milk.

Reverie: Serve Long Island iced tea in little teacups to your collection of stuffed animals and plastic model horses.

Heirlooms: Traditionally served with a long-winded story, schnapps, and spritzed with dust. Best unrestored.


Matching Yellow Rose-Bedecked Soup Tureen and Gravy Boat
: When filled with 150 proof grog at the annual winter solstice party the flowers won’t draw attention.

The Summer Prodigal: Re-read A Catcher In The Rye, outside, on a hammock, with a peppermint stick stuck into a lemon, drenched in soda water, and when you require a new lemon, call out, Hey, Maaaa! Where are the lemons? This place is so disorganized.

Birth Pang: In an IV bag mix saline solution, Pitocin and life as you knew it. Serve with a Dixie cup of crushed ice and realize, you and your mom have a lot in common now, including Sidecars.

8 comments:

  1. To this wonderful list I would like to contribute the following recipe:

    Complacency: In a large stock pot or wash basin, bring 8 cups of water to a simmer. Add to water neglected food(s) from your refrigerator. Boil it and have a scotch.

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  2. Henry, that was masterful. I make the Complacency far too often.

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  3. I cannot get over you.

    How you can think of something like this. This is wonderful.

    I'm printing it up and taking it into work (a caterer)

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  4. Old fashioned guilt, please. Make that two.

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  5. Brilliant! I'm drunk with laughter.

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  6. hey -- I gave you a Kreativ Blogger Award. Love your blog. http://www.jamiemiles.com/blog

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  7. My cocktail du jour? Low Ball: into a large pitcher, add as much criticism as possible along the lines of "stand up straight," "this room is a pig sty?" and "nice girls don't wear pins." Pour in a little vitriol. Stir with resentment, and VOILA! My mother made these daily.

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  8. @salamicat The Stand Up Straight involves wearing white gloves, while carrying a bourbon on the rocks on your head.

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