Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cocktails for Mother’s Day

Old Fashioned Guilt: Into a glass pitcher, stir in vermouth and all the cards you meant to send, but didn't.

Modern Guilt: To an Old Fashioned Guilt, add a bottle of specialty vodka that you ordered off the Internet. Garnish with an endless loop of plaintive unreturned messages: I need another lesson on the computer. Call me back. I want to learn to work the computer. Call me back. How do you turn the printer on, again? Call me back.

Night Terror: Make a slurry of cold sweat, and the Periodic Table and add her voice from way back in high school saying, This B you got in chemistry looks like a D that someone has drawn a line through with felt-tip marker, mmm?

A Good Memory: Put on your kitty cat costume from when you were 5 years old and drink under table from a bowl of creamy whole milk.

Reverie: Serve Long Island iced tea in little teacups to your collection of stuffed animals and plastic model horses.

Heirlooms: Traditionally served with a long-winded story, schnapps, and spritzed with dust. Best unrestored.

Matching Yellow Rose-Bedecked Soup Tureen and Gravy Boat
: When filled with 150 proof grog at the annual winter solstice party the flowers won’t draw attention.

The Summer Prodigal: Re-read A Catcher In The Rye, outside, on a hammock, with a peppermint stick stuck into a lemon, drenched in soda water, and when you require a new lemon, call out, Hey, Maaaa! Where are the lemons? This place is so disorganized.

Birth Pang: In an IV bag mix saline solution, Pitocin and life as you knew it. Serve with a Dixie cup of crushed ice and realize, you and your mom have a lot in common now, including Sidecars.


  1. To this wonderful list I would like to contribute the following recipe:

    Complacency: In a large stock pot or wash basin, bring 8 cups of water to a simmer. Add to water neglected food(s) from your refrigerator. Boil it and have a scotch.

  2. Henry, that was masterful. I make the Complacency far too often.

  3. I cannot get over you.

    How you can think of something like this. This is wonderful.

    I'm printing it up and taking it into work (a caterer)

  4. Old fashioned guilt, please. Make that two.

  5. Brilliant! I'm drunk with laughter.

  6. hey -- I gave you a Kreativ Blogger Award. Love your blog.

  7. My cocktail du jour? Low Ball: into a large pitcher, add as much criticism as possible along the lines of "stand up straight," "this room is a pig sty?" and "nice girls don't wear pins." Pour in a little vitriol. Stir with resentment, and VOILA! My mother made these daily.

  8. @salamicat The Stand Up Straight involves wearing white gloves, while carrying a bourbon on the rocks on your head.