Salt. / Hand-harvested dry sea minerals.
Baked Chicken. / Heirloom Saipan jungle fowl in an imu or Hawaiian hot stone oven that I dug out back, naked, with a conch, in accordance with ancient Polynesian tradition.
Eggplant Parmesan. / Totally deriviative, The Italians do an “aubergine fritti” that comes closeish… first they harvest the aubergine crop according to biodynamic principles and then very thinly slice the aubergine with a mezzaluna (it takes years of discipleship to learn how to handle the mezzaluna) and --
Can’t we just eat? / Sure, give me at least ten minutes to identify all the ingredients in this broth. I detect star anise.
Pass the sliced tomatoes, please. / You mean the ripe ovaries of a plant of the nightshade family?
I did not. / But it's true, all fruit is an ovary.
Oh god. / Prude.
You're an insufferable snob. / You're a palate-less bore.
Cultured, pasture-fed asshole. / Queen fucking Corn.