The Power Mower: to a kiddie pool, add shredded hope, grass clippings, and as much vodka as it takes to fill it up.
Man Cave: This concoction of dark ales and dark wood paneling, garnished with Led Zeppelin should be drunk smugly, and alone, in the middle of the day, with not a mote of sunlight coming through the shed window that you have plugged with towels.
Tool Shed: First oil all the wrenches till they gleam, then arrange them in descending order of size. No one will notice, in fact your child (or possibly the neighbor’s stinking brat) will mess it all up. But for the moment, open a can of beer and imagine the order and decency that could have been.
The World Cup: sit on the couch in a Holland jersey, with all your muscles twitching in memory of your high school days as a soccer star. At halftime, mix together the most famous alcohols of the countries that are playing each other, down it, cry “Goooolll!” and return to watch the second half of the game.
The Ego Stroke: Fill a highball glass with ice cubes, pour on a thick layer of manliness. Who took out the garbage? You took out the garbage. Thassright. You. Big guy. You. Yeah.
The Insecurity: Yours is definitely bigger than your neighbor’s power mower, isn’t it? Ponder the importance of size, ponder the thrilling joy you get watching men play soccer, and wonder why sometimes though you really want to order a frozen margarita because they taste good, you don’t order one. Why is that?
Dear Old Dad: Onto a blow-up dinosaur-shaped pool toy, add two children under five who will pull your chest hair and screech over and over again, watch this Dad until your ears ring and the warm fruit punch juicebox is the best thing you ever drank.