Monday, June 14, 2010

World Cup Commentary Cliches

Scottish brogue: Ach, lads! You call that football?

Washed up Brazilian superstar: (demonstrates the fancy footwork, the "samba soccer" of his nation, while the camera cuts to a photo montage of topless girls in Rio.)

American: The US team looks great this year, what a surprise and more Americans than ever tuned in to watch us tie England!

Englishman in three piece gray flannel: Blimey! It's not a tie, mate, it's a draw. The field's the pitch, the goalie is the keeper, the game is footie, and what we're watching is a match.

Scottish brogue: Lads, was Germany not touched? Ach! They were a tanker were they not? Poor wee Australia.

American (to the Englishman and Brazilian): What did he say?

Englishman: Australia was absolutely buggered.

American: Hunh? Are we talking about soccer?

Brazilian (waving to some completely naked fans): It's futebol. Say it.

American: Football.

Scottish brogue: Well done, Yank. That din' hurt much did it? Ach, nay. You're one of us now.

Extremely well-groomed Italian: Welcome to the global familia.

American (uncomfortable): Uh.

Italian: Kiss the ring.

American: My Nike track suit contract prevents me from doing that, this is an every four year thing for me, I usually commentate on basketball...

Scottish brogue, Italian, Brazilian, Englishman (disdainful, and eyeing the American suspiciously): For us it's a life thing.

American: Well, yes! That's what I meant.
(Uncomfortable silence.)

American: Um. Uh. let's talk about something else uhh, how 'bout them Dutch!?!
(Continued uncomfortable silence)

American: How 'bout them vuvuzelas?!? Right? Really annoying, guys, don't you think? Ha! They sound like a nest of bees. Don't you think, guys? Guys?


  1. Happy birthday. I don't get this soccer thing, and the horns are driving me nuts. But man, those players are worth watching! molly

  2. Thank goodness it's not just me!!!

  3. But they DO sound just like a bunch of crazed bees.

    And why do we Americans always come off as the dumb unsophisticated hillbillies?

    So glad I found you again, had lost a bunch of my favorite sites, courtesy of blogger, when I woke up one morning, went to dashboard and it greeted me with "you are following ...ZERO...blogs."

    Thank you very much.