Thursday, July 15, 2010

Parenting in Public: What You Can't Say (But Wish You Could)

Scene: Saturday At The Crowded Water Park

Son, 5: Moooommmmyyyy, little Timmy won't share the slide with me!

Me and Little Timmy's Mom (in unison, in the sing-song, "this is a teachable moment" voice of modern parenting): Now, boys, what's the park for? The park is for sharing.

What You Can't Say (But Wish You Could): Son, come over here. Let me tell you something. Little Timmy's an asshole. Throw him from the slide, and remember the life lesson: sometimes you need to punch someone in the nose, to get justice.

Scene: Preschool Birthday Party Thrown By Showoffy Parents Who Have Hired A Balloon-Artist/And Or Pony, And/Or Flown In A Mime From Paris

Daughter, 3: (shrieking at the sight of the clown): Get me the fuck out of here.

Me (pretending to swoon, sickened): Where did you hear those words?! You're in a time-out forever young lady. Forever. Totally inappropriate. Also -- it's not a clown, honey, it's a mime, don't you know that?

The other parents (full of disdain): She doesn't know what a mime is? Haven't you taken her to Paris yet?


What You Can't Say (But Wish You Could): Let's get le fucking fuck out of here, honey, these people are robots, grab the pony. With desperate hand signals, we'll ask the mime if he wants a ride, too.

6 comments:

  1. Oh, you are wonderful.

    gushing gushing, I know.

    but you have spent time in my head.

    It's me, all over your post there..

    yup. "Let's get lefuck out of here...come on, mime...mommy's sick of robot world."

    Fantastic!!!!!!

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  2. If you're looking for a good movie for the kids, the 2010 remake of Jack and the Beanstalk is a great one that demonstrates good values and morals. I watched it with my son and we both LOVED it. Become a fan of the Jack and the Beanstalk facebook page and you can watch the trailer and read about the cast, plus get ideas for fun family activities - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jack-and-the-Beanstalk/109969562361625

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  3. Oh, that Timmy. He IS an asshole. And I bet his mother wears a Patek Phillipe watch and has a Hermes saddle for her Belgian Warmblood. But you and I both know that her husband, Grant, has a very small member ship in his club....molly

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  4. I'm so lame that I don't get any of the jokes Molly mentioned. That, and I don't have rich pretentious friends that buy that stuff, so what the hell do I know. But Timmy probably is a little whiney-ass prick and could use an ass-whippin. I DID tell my 7 yo the other day, "you know what that kid is honey? in my day we called him a CHUMP."

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  5. FUCK! I gotta keep my kids away from you if you are gonna BLOG about them!

    ;)

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