Thursday, July 15, 2010

Parenting in Public: What You Can't Say (But Wish You Could)

Scene: Saturday At The Crowded Water Park

Son, 5: Moooommmmyyyy, little Timmy won't share the slide with me!

Me and Little Timmy's Mom (in unison, in the sing-song, "this is a teachable moment" voice of modern parenting): Now, boys, what's the park for? The park is for sharing.

What You Can't Say (But Wish You Could): Son, come over here. Let me tell you something. Little Timmy's an asshole. Throw him from the slide, and remember the life lesson: sometimes you need to punch someone in the nose, to get justice.

Scene: Preschool Birthday Party Thrown By Showoffy Parents Who Have Hired A Balloon-Artist/And Or Pony, And/Or Flown In A Mime From Paris

Daughter, 3: (shrieking at the sight of the clown): Get me the fuck out of here.

Me (pretending to swoon, sickened): Where did you hear those words?! You're in a time-out forever young lady. Forever. Totally inappropriate. Also -- it's not a clown, honey, it's a mime, don't you know that?

The other parents (full of disdain): She doesn't know what a mime is? Haven't you taken her to Paris yet?

What You Can't Say (But Wish You Could): Let's get le fucking fuck out of here, honey, these people are robots, grab the pony. With desperate hand signals, we'll ask the mime if he wants a ride, too.


  1. Oh, you are wonderful.

    gushing gushing, I know.

    but you have spent time in my head.

    It's me, all over your post there..

    yup. "Let's get lefuck out of here...come on, mime...mommy's sick of robot world."


  2. If you're looking for a good movie for the kids, the 2010 remake of Jack and the Beanstalk is a great one that demonstrates good values and morals. I watched it with my son and we both LOVED it. Become a fan of the Jack and the Beanstalk facebook page and you can watch the trailer and read about the cast, plus get ideas for fun family activities -

  3. Oh, that Timmy. He IS an asshole. And I bet his mother wears a Patek Phillipe watch and has a Hermes saddle for her Belgian Warmblood. But you and I both know that her husband, Grant, has a very small member ship in his club....molly

  4. I'm so lame that I don't get any of the jokes Molly mentioned. That, and I don't have rich pretentious friends that buy that stuff, so what the hell do I know. But Timmy probably is a little whiney-ass prick and could use an ass-whippin. I DID tell my 7 yo the other day, "you know what that kid is honey? in my day we called him a CHUMP."

  5. FUCK! I gotta keep my kids away from you if you are gonna BLOG about them!