Thursday, October 7, 2010

Soup, It's What's For Happy

The sounds my husband makes when he eats my soup (absolutely no euphemism) are contented sounds. Slurping. Belly-patting. Feet-kicking like a happy infant's.

Don't bother comforting anyone with apples. The way to comfort is with broth. Why is this so? Soup is the anti-information highway, speedster, sous-vide, molecular gastronomy. It's made in one pot, for God's sake, with ingredients even a toddler can identify: onions, garlic, chickens. Or bread and tomato. You do not need a kitchen torch or a kitchen scale. What you need is willingness to have the whole place smell like chicken schmaltz, meaning terrific, and that takes time. The flavors must build slowly, brick by brick a great pyramid of flavor. Can't believe I said that. Worse: I'm earnest.

Cheesy as it is, (and cheese certainly has its place in soups, I'm talking minestrone here and French onion) soup is a time-gift. What is more precious than time? Okay, saffron, the saffron you put in bouillabaisse.
The point is, what are you ladles waiting for? Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, the time to make Mediterranean seafood soup is now.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Pair of Leopard Geckos, We're Through

We didn't expect that you would change your evolutionary adaptation of nocturnality, as you have been nocturnal in the Afghan desert for thousands of years, but we hoped at least you'd watch sitcoms with us, sitting at our feet as our neighbor's dog does, and letting us pet you, thereby lowering our blood pressure.

Of course, you are not a dog, you are a reptile, or an amphibian, the book from the library wasn't altogether clear. Still, we expected a blink of recognition, some kind of cameraderie as we we share the same planet at this space/time, but you never once registered that it was I, and again I the following week, who changed the water in your bowl.

Being with you is like being in a nature show you don't want to be in. You eat only live crickets. And, if you attacked one and jawed off only it's forelimb or it's head, who would be the one to scoop the remains from the sand? Again, I. With a spoon.

Geckos, we're through. O, do not cry (as if you could) I...I! have found a new home and new names for you. From now on you will be called Olivia and Rufus for you are Kindergarten Classroom Pets. I hope you know that at last you have made me very happy. My blood pressure is returned to low.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Medical Conditions That Are Also Great Speed Metal Band Names


This Is Spinal Stenosis (Lars Uldisc fronting)

Magnetic Resonance Imagining (aka "M period R period I period" or more simply, "The Tube")

Degenerative Disc Disease (known to their fans as "Triple D")


Osteoarthritic Metatarsal

Deviated Septum

The Obesity Epidemic