Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Interior Decorating Ideas

One of the first things they cheerily (oh the unanimous, anonymous, famous, cheery "they" of the medical world) tell you to do is to "keep a pain journal."

I have one that I have named Fuck This Shit. Seriously, that's how I refer to my pain journal. "Hey, has any one seen Fuck This Shit? I know I left Fuck This Shit around here somewhere. Like, maybe, under the couch?"

It is interesting to keep a log of symptoms, but is it truly healing? I have my doubts. Fuck This Shit's first few chapters were a litany of miseries. Take this, from 9/1: Feel like my face is going to fall off. Iced it. Is life worth living?  Had a cookie. Etc. It goes on. So now I don't write in it anymore. Because frankly I don't want to know how much vitriol and despair I have, and who in this modern fast world of bananas doesn't?

I want to accentuate the positive, even if it is just at the moment the size of a flea. Smaller than a flea. An amoeba in a drop of pond water. So I scratched Fuck This Shit off the cover of my journal, and markered in a new name:  Interior Decorating Ideas. Paint swatches, and pretty vases, and such.


  1. Listen. I've been reading your blog for a while and can feel your frustration. I have had periodic headaches and dizziness for the last year. Perhaps stress induced. The "headache journal" just makes me think more about my head - not good. Maybe we should talk.

  2. Excellent. I agree. My latest technique is this: when I'm lying in bed thinking about how much life sucks, I don't let myself get up until I think of three things I'm looking forward to: one thing I'm looking forward to that day, one later in the week, and one long-term piece of wonderfulness-- a dream. None of these things can be "a bottle of wine all for myself." I find it helps to concentrate on what's GOOD.

  3. It often strikes me how amazing it is that the people with the most to complain about are often the most determined to stay positive. You're an inspiration, all of you.