Monday, November 25, 2013

Thanksgiving Collective Nouns




The collection of double-crust pies on the sideboard baked by aunts who say gluten-free is smack-talk: a glutenion.

The tween boys in the family who stone cold fall over when asked, "Breast meat, son?" A bosom.

A group of cooler than thou New York cousins, talking about their podcasts: a fumigate.

A collection of oblivious uncles: a dunderhead.

A pill bottle: the knot of family members in the corner discussing their ailments, and the fragility of health.

A desperation: the new neighborhood friends that you don't know that well that you invited hoping they would, "add some levity" and "not too much about their love of Jesus."

A ping pong: everyone under the age of 10, and all the dogs.

An oblivion:  the hours that you measure in Martini glasses that it takes a turkey to thaw.

Any group of three or more people heatedly discussing cranberry sauce:  a Susan Stamberg

A gravy boat: the collection of both mixed and blessed feelings you experience seeing gathered everyone who shares your DNA.