Monday, January 13, 2014

Calling All Hypochondriacs

Note to hypochondriacs: all of these titles are real, peer-reviewed scientific journals.

BJUI (The British Journal of Urology. But the acronym is scarier, and makes me want to check my prostate, and I don't even have one.

Calcified Tissue International (I don't know what that is but I think I have my organ of rage.)

Deutsche Medizinische Wochenschrift (What does this mean? Do you care? It's doom-y and German, right up my alley, which, did I mention, feels scratchy and dry.)

Hot Topics on Viral Hepatitis (And only hot topics.)

Journal of Cachexia, Sarcopenia and Muscle (If the disease has an 'x' in it I already have three symptoms, and hair loss.)

Journal of Investigative Dermatology (Otherwise known as Disturbing Mole. Can I show it to you? It might be a symptom of an autoimmune disorder that no one knows anything about.)

Pancreas (Say that out loud and wonder: Does your lower back hurt because you have an undiagnosed spinal tumor?)

Progress in Osteoporosis (Do you dare even hold it in your fragile and crumbling bird-bone hands?)

Journal of Controlled Release (This is also my handgrip watching 3D IMAX movies of supposedly calming woodland scenes and creatures that can mean only one thing: Lyme disease and rabies and that disease makes you foam at the mouth and be scared of water.)

Neglected Tropical Diseases (Remind me, where were you going for Spring Break?)