Thursday, November 12, 2015

Experience The Magic of Christmas. Hint: It Requires You To Buy A Wand

That's seriously the tagline. "Experience The Magic Of Christmas."

This is as crazy muffins as Starbucks plain-red cups on which the company suggested that any mint mocha-loving Christians upset by the lack of reindeer (because we know Jesus LURVED THE ANTLERED) should "doodle" their own "holiday scenes."

Any time a company uses the word "doodle," somewhere a fairy dies.

Bah humbug.

However, even bad PR is good sales. Starbucks knows that. They even got me. Yesterday I went to put boots on the ground to investigate the snowflake-less red cups at my local and my mint mocha tasted of...Dead Sea Scrolls. There was a monotheistic desert tang. Why had I failed to notice that before? So yummy.

But how come no Christians are freaking out over The Magic Light Wand is what I want to know. Where are you, brethren?

It's a "wand" that through the "magic" of a remote control receiver system lights up the Christmas tree.

Christians, the words "wand" and "magic" are right in the copy, alongside "Christmas."  Don't you just want to scream? I do. Strikes me as totally pagan, waving a battery-powered wand over a folkloric tradition of a evergreen near the winter solstice, but hey. That's me. That's my perspective. Also, it looks very erect. Like an elf erection. But, perhaps I've already drunk too much egg nog.

I guess its okay because the wand isn't just plain red like the Starbucks cup. It has snowflakes on it. Oh, if it has snowflakes -- I guess I'll take my flaming pitchfork elsewhere.

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