Friday, February 12, 2016

We're All Animals This Election Season

We're all animals.  It's not the slightest bit scary election season. The research is in. Predatory advertising works. Am I "feeling the Bern?" or is that a rash? We follow the wildebeest herd. Because we're animals. It's the primaries.

I bought a pair of pants because my neighbor had them and we talked about them, and my tracking device phone must have heard me, because up popped like a fox on my Facebook those damn pants. So I bought them. Because I'm an animal. It's in my DNA to blend into my environment in camel pants if my friends are wearing them.

We (like gorillas) respond positively to deep male voices. Like Alan Rickman's. Here's the science to prove it

Sorry, HRC. You're always being called "shrill." It's horrible and sexist. I get it. I went to Smith. They've been killing us softly for 40 years, "and it's gotten worse," says Jill Kilbourne, of the women in advertising series Killing Us Softly.

We're biologically programmed to trust the deep male voice more, and attribute to it logic, sense, and... Daddy. 

However when women age and their voices naturally lower we all know they're witches. They have to wear artful scarves, because they feel bad about their necks.

This "forehead tiara" is from Noa Zilberman's Wrinkles jewelry collection currently at the Cooper Hewitt. I already have one, thanks.

We're going to elect a president. Us animals, who paid strippers based on their menstrual cycle? When strippers were ovulating, and their estrogen was high, they got paid more. Great. I feel confident in us.

Who like baboons focus on the color red because we think it means sex and/or ripe fruit? Who, like me, can be predatorily made to buy pants? Us, the naked ape? 

We're shocked politics has gotten so tribal, so "us versus them," so us versus losers, "make America great again," "build a wall," Madeleine Albright and Gloria Steinem falling over their own feet? This is who we are. We're a brutal species. We're really into red.

Color study looks at the effects of red and blue. "Those who wore red defeated those wearing blue 60 percent of the time." Also, men found they wanted to have sex with women wearing red more. 

Obviously you should wear red when you vote, or do anything where you might want to be having sexed with more. You animal.

My wardrobe is mostly blues and greens. I will be getting rid of it all and wearing only crimson forever and speaking in a baritone. In a few years it will be completely natural as we tear each other to bits.

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